


It's Not You

by Nary



Category: Adventure World (game)
Genre: Attempted Heterosexuality, Awkward Sexual Situations, Closeted Character, Coitus Interruptus, Dating, Established Relationship, F/M, First Time, Friendship, Hand Jobs, Kissing, Male-Female Friendship, No orgasms, Relationship Advice, Sisters, Teen Angst, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-04
Updated: 2013-02-04
Packaged: 2017-11-28 04:27:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/670257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nary/pseuds/Nary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of the reasons she liked Aleyn was that he wasn't pushy or grabby or impatient like most boys their age.   Still, Lila sometimes wished he would sweep her into his arms and embrace her more passionately.   Maybe not here, though, where people were watching - including her mother, who was conveniently sweeping off the steps and keeping an eye out for her youngest daughter's return.  Besides, Aleyn wasn't really the passionate type.  At least, she thought, not yet, but maybe that would change tomorrow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not You

"How long have you and Lila been going out?" Caulin asked, shifting his grip on the half-rusted-out barrel. His aunt ran a scrap-yard and hauling junk around for her was a quick (if not exactly easy) way to earn some extra money, always a much-sought-after commodity for young people in Midway. 

Aleyn shrugged, or tried to without dropping his end of the heavy piece of metal. Miss Nettle had closed the shop for the day - some holiday of her faith - leaving him at loose ends until Caulin had roped him into this job. "I guess about eight months now, or a bit more." There hadn't been a precise starting point - he and Lila Green had been friends since they were children, and had continued to spend time together past the age when girls and boys tended to separate into their own tribes, and then onwards into the years when they tentatively started to mingle again. At some point after they turned seventeen, people had just started to assume they were courting, including both of their sets of parents. Everyone had seemed quite pleased with the situation, so when Lila asked him point-blank if they were dating now, Aleyn had agreed shyly that it seemed like they were.

"So have you fucked her yet?" Caulin's grin was salacious, eager for information.

Aleyn shook his head, blushing even though he was trying not to. Maybe it would just look like exertion from lifting metal around in the late afternoon sun. "No, I, uh, we haven't... There's just never a chance to be alone." It was an easy excuse to make - in truth there had probably been several opportunities, if Aleyn had been willing to seize them. He was fairly sure Lila would say yes if he tried anything, but so far he hadn't been able to muster up the courage for much more than surreptitious kissing when no one else was around. Even that felt strange, awkward, but he was sure it would get easier with time and practice, once they were more used to each other, and if he could just stop worrying about getting caught, or whether he was doing it right, or what Lila was thinking... 

"After eight months, though, you must be dying for it," laughed his friend. Caulin laughed easily, his freckled cheeks rounding up to scrunch his green eyes almost shut. These were things Aleyn noticed, and didn't think about. 

"Yeah," he said, because it was the expected response. The thought of having sex with Lila - with anyone, really - mostly just made him anxious, but he didn't know how to explain that to Caulin, or any of his other male friends. He wished he had an older brother or a cousin he could ask about these things, someone who might give him sensible advice without laughing or slapping him on the back. He wasn't quite desperate enough yet to ask his father, who would surely be sensible, but also stern and a little bit terrifying. "I don't really know what to do," he said at last, letting that simple statement stand in for any number of inchoate worries and fears.

"Like how to get her alone? Or what to do with her when you finally get a chance?" Caulin knew more about females than just about anyone in their circle of friends - he had at least a half-dozen notches on his belt, and an easy, carefree way about him that girls seemed to love. 

"Yes," said Aleyn, grimacing as they heaved the old barrel on top of a pile of scrap iron. "All of the above."

"Look," Caulin said, wiping off his forehead and sitting down for a moment in the shade, "she really likes you. Anyone looking at the two of you together can see that. And she's a clever girl. Let her know you're interested in more and I bet you a copper she'll find a way to make it happen."

"Only a copper?" Aleyn sat down to join him, folding up long, skinny legs that, by the way his cuffs no longer covered his bony ankles, were still growing. "You don't have much confidence in my chances, I guess."

"No, I just don't have much money, stupid," Caulin laughed. "As for what you actually do when you get down to it... I mean, you know how it all works, right? Because if you're unclear on the mechanics, you can always go down to the temple of Sehanine and ask them for a lesson..."

"Shut up," Aleyn said, looking away to hide his embarrassment. "I know the basics." This was mostly true, at least in theory, although he was sure there were details he was missing.

"Just do what comes naturally, and it'll be fine," Caulin reassured him, "as long as she wants it too. And then afterwards, tell me everything," he added with a smirk.

Aleyn laughed nervously, not sure why that thought made his face feel like it was on fire. "Come on," he said, "we should get back to work if we want to get done and paid before sunset. There's still a lot to move."

***

Lila dusted the shelves in her father's shop while it was quiet, polishing and rearranging the tin spoons and mugs and lanterns. Her older sister Shaira sat at the counter, reading the broadsheets, fanning herself, and keeping an eye on the passers-by. "Don't forget to lift things and clean under them too," she said idly. "No cutting corners."

"Obviously," Lila sighed. "You could help, you know." 

"Someone has to sit here in case a customer comes in." Shaira looked up from her paper, glancing out across the street. "Oh look, there's your boy getting home."

"He's not a boy," Lila said sharply as she hurried to tap on the window and wave to Aleyn. He looked tired and more than a little grimy, but he still grinned to see her and waved back, making her heart flutter. "He's almost eighteen." 

Shaira chuckled. "Sounds like a boy to me." She was twenty, and consequently much more sophisticated and mature than any teenager could hope to be. "He's a nice enough boy, though. Are you going to see him later?" 

"I hope so," Lila said, as casually as she could. "We'll probably go for a stroll after dinner, like usual." 

"Good idea," Shaira agreed. "It's too hot to sit inside - at least outside there might be a breeze." She looked over at her sister more sharply. "Assuming you actually spend those evening strolls walking, that is."

"Shaira!" Lila exclaimed, affronted. 

She shrugged. "You're right, you're both much too young and innocent to get up to anything more interesting..." 

"We are not!" Lila blurted. "I mean, we haven't."

"Of course not," Shaira said carelessly. "I suppose you're planning to wait until you're married, or at least betrothed. There's nothing wrong with that, except that it's kind of a gamble - what if things don't work well in that department, and then you're stuck together anyway? And it's boring too. Mother would be thrilled, I'm sure."

Lila frowned. "I don't know... I mean... ugh, Shaira, where would you even go if you wanted to do... something more? It's not like I can smuggle him into our room at night!"

"No, you can't, especially because I'm not polite enough to put a pillow over my head and ignore you." Shaira tapped her fingers on the counter. "I don't have this problem, at least not anymore." Shaira was seeing Tavis Holbrook, who had a flat of his own above the chandler's shop where he worked, and they were close enough to engaged that her parents turned a blind eye if she sometimes went over there by herself, unchaperoned. "But I don't imagine there's any privacy to be found at the Harrowden's."

Lila laughed mirthlessly. "Even less than here, since there are more of them packed into a house the same size. Aleyn shares a bedroom with two of his younger brothers." Lila was the youngest in her family, and all of the others, apart from Shaira, had already moved out.

Shaira nodded, considering. "Look, maybe one afternoon when Dad's working and Mom is out at the market, I could cover for you in the shop."

"Would you really?" Lila's face lit up eagerly. 

"For an hour," Shaira said sternly. "No more than that, especially if it's busy. That's plenty of time, anyway. Probably you'll be done in half that."

Lila grinned. "You're the best, Shaira!"

"I know," she said, smiling fondly at her little sister. She hesitated for a moment, as if wondering whether she needed to say anything more. "You’ll be careful, right?"

Lila's face reddened. "Of course," she said defensively. "I'm not a little kid." 

Shaira laughed kindly. "No, I know, but I'd feel guilty if you got into trouble. You know, there are plenty of ways to..." She cut off abruptly as the bell rang and a customer came into the store, and Lila, half-relieved and half-disappointed to miss out on whatever she was going to say, went back to tidying. 

***

After that, it was just a matter of coordinating things with Aleyn. Lila tried dropping hints for a week or two, but he never seemed to pick up on them. Finally she had to ask outright, while they were out on one of their evening walks together. "Can you get out of work tomorrow afternoon? My parents will be out and Shaira says she'll cover in the shop, so we'd have a chance to be alone..." She squeezed his hand, smiling up at him hopefully. 

"Huh? Oh. Uh, y-yeah," he stammered, smiling back. Lila thought it was kind of cute when he got nervous. "I could ask Miss Nettle for the afternoon off. If you want."

"Okay," she said, and they fell into an awkward silence. It felt like there were important things they ought to talk about now, but neither of them really knew what they were or how to address them. 

At length, Aleyn cleared his throat. "We don't have to... you know, do it, if you don't want... it's no rush..."

Lila shook her head hastily. "But I do want to, silly, or I wouldn't have suggested it!"

"Right," Aleyn replied, blushing. "I wasn't sure if you meant that though, or just... time alone for... I don't know, just kissing and stuff. That's okay too."

"Anything you want is okay with me," she said, her cheeks turning rosy as well. "But don't you want to find out what all the fuss is about?" she added, teasing.

"I guess so," he agreed. He didn't sound as enthusiastic as Lila had hoped he might, but she figured he was probably just nervous. 

"It'll be okay," she reassured Aleyn. "It's just me, right? I'm not too scary, I hope," she said playfully, drawing a little smile out of him. "We'll figure things out together."

Aleyn nodded, clutching her hand more tightly. They were almost back to their houses now, and the sun was setting. "I'll see you tomorrow, then, I guess," he said, and bent down to kiss her politely on the cheek. One of the reasons she liked Aleyn was that he wasn't pushy or grabby or impatient like most boys their age. Still, she sometimes wished he would sweep her into his arms and embrace her more passionately. Maybe not here, though, where people were watching - including her mother, who was conveniently sweeping off the steps and keeping an eye out for her youngest daughter's return. Besides, Aleyn wasn't really the passionate type. At least, she thought, not yet, but maybe that would change tomorrow. The idea made her blush again as they said their farewells.

***

After her mother left for the market the next day after lunch, Lila tried to busy herself with chores, but ended up peeking out the window every few minutes to see if Aleyn was there yet, in between checking her hair in the glass and trying futilely to push the stray wisps back behind her ears. Finally she saw Aleyn rounding the corner, his tall, skinny frame easily spotted even from a distance. She waved him to the back door, where nosy neighbours would be less likely to see him coming in, and quickly ushered him inside once he arrived there. 

"Hi," he said, hands shoved in his pockets. 

"Hi yourself," she smiled back, gently taking him by the arms and encouraging him into a hug. "I hope it wasn't any trouble for you to get the time away from work."

"Oh, no, it was fine," he replied, looking around the empty house as though seeing it for the first time. "I said I would come in extra early tomorrow, and Miss Nettle didn't really care, as long as everything gets done."

Lila nodded, heart pounding nervously through this everyday small-talk. "Do you want a drink of water or anything, or just to go upstairs?" she asked, inexplicably worried for a moment.

"Oh, uh, a drink of water would be nice, sure," he said. She fetched a cup for him and he drank it - rather slowly, she thought impatiently - with muttered thanks. When he had finished, he set the cup down and looked at her as if he wasn't quite certain what to do next. "Do you want to... talk about, uh, it?"

She shrugged. "We probably should, I guess, but we don't have very much time, since Shaira's expecting me back at the shop in an hour and my mother could come home whenever."

Aleyn looked worried at that. "You said she was going to be out."

"She is out, she's at the market, like she usually is this time of day," Lila explained as patiently as she could. "But I just mean, she might come back earlier than I expected. Don't worry, if we hear her come in, you can climb out the window or something."

"Oh," said Aleyn, biting his lip. "So I guess we should... get on with it?" 

Lila nodded, taking a step closer to him, putting her arms around him, resting her head against his chest. She could feel the tension in his arms, hear his heart thundering. "Don't worry," she tried to reassure him, "it'll be okay. I've wanted this for a long time, haven't you?"

"Yeah," Aleyn admitted, his voice muffled in her hair as he bent down. "I just want everything to go okay. You'll... you'd tell me if I did something wrong, something you didn't like, wouldn't you?"

"Of course," she told him, stretching up to kiss his lips. The kiss went on a pleasantly long time, and she felt Aleyn relax the longer it continued. She started steering him towards the stairs, leading him up to her bedroom between more kisses. When they finally made it there, Lila felt her nervous excitement building further. Aleyn had to duck his head to avoid hitting it on the beam that crossed the room as she drew him over to the bed and sat down with him on the thin mattress. "You've never done this before, right?" She was sure she knew the answer, but she wanted to hear him say it.

"Never," Aleyn said. His hand, clasped tightly in hers, was damp with sweat.

"Me neither," she said, although he hadn't asked. "I'm glad I'm with you. I feel safe."

"Me too," he said, smiling shyly. "I want to make you happy, Lila."

She reached up to brush his tousled hair back from his forehead. "I know you do. And I want to make you happy too." Her hand followed a path down from his cheek to his neck, feeling the lump in his throat make a nervous bob as he swallowed, continuing downwards to his chest. "Please, Aleyn, kiss me?"

He nodded and leaned closer to press his lips to hers, curling long fingers around the back of her neck, gently touching the soft, sweat-damp wisps that had escaped from her ponytail. She reached up and untied the knot in the ribbon that was holding her hair back, letting it fall loose around her face. Aleyn’s fingers caught in it a little as he stroked it softly. “Sorry,” he muttered, disentangling them. 

“It’s okay,” she said, and reached for the buttons on his shirt, unfastening them one at a time, hoping that he would get the idea and reciprocate. She slid her hands against his chest, feeling the soft hair there, and looked up into his big green eyes, melting for him just a little more. Aleyn fumbled with the laces of her bodice, his hands clumsy as he tried to untie the knot. Lila took pity and helped him with it, loosening the strings and pulling the top of her dress open, exposing her shift. Growing impatient, she stood to let the outer dress slide to the floor. Aleyn stared up at her, wide-eyed and a little stunned, then shrugged his shirt off and stood as well. Lila wrapped her arms around his neck, drawing him down to kiss her again. He responded more enthusiastically, parting his lips so their tongues could explore one another. She leaned into him, letting her small breasts press up against his bare chest, and managed to tip them both off-balance so that they tumbled together onto her narrow bed, which creaked alarmingly but thankfully didn't give way. Aleyn grunted, the air knocked out of him, and Lila gave a little shriek that soon dissolved into giggles. "I'm sorry," she told him when she caught her breath.

"I think I'll live," he said with a grin as he rubbed the back of his head where he'd bumped it. "Here, um, maybe we can get more comfortable..." He struggled to turn himself lengthwise on the bed, which was short enough that his feet hung off the end once he was fully stretched out. Lila smiled at that and curled up beside him - the bed's small size was an unexpected benefit, since it meant they had to be pressed right up together. He wrapped one arm around her, pulling her closer, and she rested her hand on his chest, stroking it lightly, feeling each rib of his skinny frame. Gradually, she grew bolder, tracing her fingers down to his stomach. The muscles there fluttered at her touch, and Aleyn sucked in his breath, which made a tempting gap at the waistband of his trousers. Lila shoved her hand down there before she could think twice about it, curious and eager to explore further. Aleyn gasped, grabbing for her wrist just as she made contact with the soft, warm flesh she sought. "Careful with that!"

"Oh," she murmured, and tried to touch him more gently, grazing her fingertips lightly against his dick, or what she could reach of it at least. "Like this?" 

He nodded, releasing his grip on her arm. "Just... go slow."

Lila wanted to remind him they didn't have time for 'slow' - their hour was probably half gone already - but she didn't want to make him uncomfortable either. She stroked him more gingerly and felt a little surge of excitement and pride when he stiffened further at her touch. She wondered momentarily whether it was odd that he wasn't completely hard already - the hints and stories she'd heard had led her to believe that men were usually ready to go as soon as you so much as kissed them, if not before, but she didn't worry about it too much. It was obvious he was nervous, but he was getting harder, she could tell that much, and surely that was what mattered. "Is this good?" she asked him, seeking some reassurance that the way she was touching him was all right.

Aleyn nodded, his eyes closed. She was close enough to see the sweat on his forehead, the uneasy flutter of eyelashes as he squeezed them still more tightly closed. "Here, let me help..." He unfastened his trousers, giving her easier access and allowing him room to grow further the more she fondled him. She was a little surprised at the still-increasing size of the member she held in her hand, but she had nothing to compare it to, beyond a vague mental image that was based more on rumours and jokes than anything real. She was beginning to wonder how it could possibly fit inside her, though... 

The thought made her squirm, excited and increasingly impatient. She thought she might cry with frustration if they got this far and didn't finish what they'd started. "Aleyn," she whispered, "please, I want it so much..."

His eyes flicked open and he turned his head to look at her uncertainly. "You want to do it now? Already?"

Lila nodded. "We don't have much time left, and I don't know when we'll get another chance, and I just... I don't want to wait any longer..." 

"Oh. Okay." Aleyn rolled onto his side, as if trying to figure out where she wanted him to be. 

Hitching up her shift until it was bunched around her waist, Lila helped to pull him on top of her. It wasn't graceful, but they got there eventually. "Like this," she said, and spread her legs for him, feeling a thrill of anticipation pass through her as his erection nudged shyly up against her thigh.

Aleyn braced himself up on his elbow, looking down at her, his hair falling forward into his face. She could tell he was stroking himself with the other hand, but that was all right, she was sure it meant he wanted this too. "Here?" he asked, trying to get himself lined up properly. 

"Um... not quite, let me help," Lila said, shifting her hips until it felt like he was where he was supposed to be. "Just there." Aleyn nodded and tried pushing forwards, but it didn't seem to go right, he just sort of slithered pointlessly up her slit instead of winding up inside her.

"Damn it," he muttered, blushing, and tried again. This time she felt a harder pressure, sharp enough to make her grab tightly onto his shoulders. It hurt - she had known that it would a little, but this was worse than she had expected, a painful, tearing sensation. She couldn't stop herself from crying out, and he stopped as soon as she did, pulling back far enough that the burning ache diminished. "I'm sorry, Lila!"

She sniffled, holding onto him. "It's... it's okay," she managed after a moment. "It just hurts a bit." She minimized the discomfort, not wanting to worry him. "Try again?"

He did as she asked, pushing into her once more, probably no more than an inch or two, but enough to make her gasp nevertheless. It still wasn't easy, but it didn't hurt quite as much as the first try. "Is that better?" he asked, and she kissed his cheek in response, so he moved a little further. By then she already felt full to the point of discomfort, and had no idea how much more she still had to take, or how she was going to endure it. Aleyn's arms were shaking a little, whether from nerves or just from holding himself up to avoid crushing her, and his eyes were shut tight again, and his breath was coming in quick, ragged gasps that sounded more pained than anything else. Wasn't it supposed to be easier than this? Wasn't it supposed to feel _good_?

Lila's hands moved in clumsy, uneven circles on the damp skin of his back and she opened her lips to talk to him, try to get him to relax a little, when she heard the door open downstairs and someone come inside. It could just have been Shaira, but it could equally have been her mother coming home from the market, or Father coming in from his workshop for some reason. She tensed up and saw Aleyn wince, startled, as she pushed him off her. "Shh," she told him, "someone's downstairs. Get dressed, quick." She disentangled herself from him and retrieved her dress from the floor, tugging it on over her head and standing to straighten her skirts. Fortunately for Aleyn, he still had most of his clothes on, and managed to have his pants up and fastened, and his shirt mostly buttoned by the time she was decent again. Struggling to pull her hair back into a somewhat respectable ponytail, she jerked her chin impatiently in the direction of the window.

He gave her a 'seriously?' look, but went over to it as she instructed and opened it. He seemed more than a little stunned and Lila felt bad for kicking him out so hastily, but there was nothing to be done about it - she could hear humming from downstairs, which meant it was her mother, and she could hardly walk downstairs with Aleyn and pretend like everything was normal. "I'm sorry," she mouthed to him, "see you tomorrow." She reached out to clutch his hand for a moment before he made his furtive escape, shinning his way down the drainpipe and dropping to the ground. After a last-minute check to make sure the laces on her dress were tied, she straightened out the blankets on the bed and then started off down the stairs at a run before forcing herself to calm to a walk before her mother saw her. 

***

Their evening walk the next day was postponed by rain, so it was two days before they saw one another again. The conversation, usually comfortable, felt stilted. Aleyn had no idea what to say, and it seemed Lila wasn't sure either. They held hands as usual, until Lila dropped his grip to point at something and didn't take it up again afterwards. Aleyn was sure he had done everything wrong, and fell further and further into quiet gloom, shoving his hands into his pockets instead, his shoulders slumping. He was surprised when, as they were nearing the end of their usual route, Lila paused for a moment and looked up at him. "When can we try it again?"

"You... actually want to?" _Didn't it hurt?_ he wanted to ask, _wasn't it terrible?_

Lila smiled shyly. "It's usually kind of bad the first time. At least, that's what Shaira says. It takes practice to get better at it, like anything. And we did get interrupted before we finished, so it's hardly fair to judge based on that."

Aleyn swallowed. He had half been expecting her to give him an apologetic talk about how things weren't working out - had braced himself for it, even felt, strangely, a little relieved to think about that pressure being gone. For her to ask to do it again was a surprise, to say the least. "I'm willing to try again if you are," he said slowly. 

"I think it might go better if we were less nervous about someone walking in on us," she said, fiddling with a strand of fine brown hair that had escaped from her ponytail. "You know the Raven's Nest at the south end of Crabtree Lane?"

"Yes..."

"Well, I hear they have decent rooms, and you can rent them by the hour," she continued. "So I thought instead of going for a walk one evening, we could just go there."

It sounded like she'd planned this all out, probably through whatever late-night conversation she'd had with her sister. Aleyn nodded his uncertain acceptance. "Uh, when?"

"What about tomorrow? I can tell my parents we're going to take a walk up the hill and look at the fancy houses, that should give us plenty of time if we're a bit later than usual getting back." She smiled up at him hopefully, and Aleyn desperately wanted to avoid letting her down. 

The next night they met as planned, but instead of walking up to Overlook, they made straight for the Raven's Nest. It was busier than Aleyn had anticipated, with people going in and out for a drink after work or a meal, but it was far enough away from their immediate neighbourhood that he didn't spot anyone he thought might recognize either of them. Lila looked a little unsure - the place was sketchy, although not dangerously so, just a bit rougher than she'd likely ever been in before. To Aleyn it seemed like it would be all right, and he tried to reassure her by squeezing her with an arm around her shoulder. "Come on," he told her, and they headed up to the bar.

The old woman behind the bar barely glanced at them as they managed to stammer out their request for a room for an hour. "One silver. First one on the left's open. Voran'll knock when the hour's up. You strip the sheets off when you're done and leave 'em in the basket by the door." Handing them a key, she jerked her chin in the direction of the staircase. She sounded bored - she probably said the same thing dozens of times a day. Aleyn handed her the hard-earned silver and took the key, trying to act casual. Lila walked - well, almost ran - ahead of him up the stairs, turning to the left and opening the door. 

The room was plain, but at least it seemed (and smelled) clean. Aleyn wondered if that was because they were there early - it might not have been so presentable at four in the morning, he thought with a faint shudder. It had a bed, a small table with a washbasin, and a tall cabinet that he guessed might contain towels and sheets and the like. He locked the door behind them with a solid latch, which was somewhat reassuring. 

"I guess we should just... get undressed," Lila said, glancing over at him. "All the way this time?"

"Okay," Aleyn said, his palms already sweating with nerves. Lila had started removing her dress, so he began to unbutton his shirt. It was a bit less awkward than trying to undress each other, as they had last time, but it also felt more businesslike, less like his romantic visions. Then again, his romantic visions weren't usually like this in several different ways, and it was better not to think about that now, because Lila was tugging her shift off, leaving her naked. He hadn't seen her fully naked, at least not since they were little kids together, and he couldn't help taking a long, curious look. Her breasts were small but softly rounded, her body slim and delicate, and she was blushing but not trying to hide herself from his gaze. He knew he ought to feel something more than he did, looking at her, but the sight mostly just made him nervous and a little queasy. He looked away, concentrating on slowly getting his shoes and socks and trousers off instead. He heard Lila climb onto the bed, and he knew he couldn't stall any longer. He stood to slip off his drawers - he wasn't hard at all, and surely she would notice, ask him why... 

But she didn't, at least not yet, only beckoned for him to come join her in the bed. It was comfortably large enough for the two of them, and she nestled up against him as soon as he was under the blankets with her. "Can I touch you again?" she asked shyly, her hand resting lightly on his stomach.

Aleyn nodded, feeling her curl her fingers around him and start to try and rouse his interest. He shut his eyes, but that was worse in a way, because then his mind tried to feed him other images, ones he wasn't sure he understood or wanted to see. It did make him stiffen a little, but at the cost of a guilty feeling in the pit of his stomach. Lila seemed encouraged, though, and kept going, gripping his cock more tightly. Aleyn tried to force himself to look at her, to feel the excitement and desire he knew she was feeling. He could trick himself a little, let her passion carry them both along, and maybe if he pretended well enough it would become real for him as well. He kissed her desperately and she gasped, surprised, but responded eagerly.

With a bit more of that, and Lila's hand continuing to stroke his dick, he managed to get hard enough that he thought maybe he could try - not quite rock-solid, but good enough. But Lila was drawing his hand between her legs, encouraging him to touch her in return. "I talked to my sister," she murmured shyly, "and she said to do this first, so it would hurt less..." 

He had no idea what 'this' was, exactly - his conversations with Caulin on the subject had not been especially illuminating, other than informing him that he was supposed to 'get her ready' in some way. He tried some experimental stroking and Lila squirmed and giggled, then took him by the wrist and moved his hand to a slightly different spot. She felt sort of... warm and squishy, odd and a bit unsettling. He didn't know what he had expected, really, but not this. She was clearly enjoying where he was touching her now, though, so he gritted his teeth and kept doing it, moving his fingers in little circles since she seemed to like that best.

"I want it, please," she whispered, in between kissing his jaw, his throat. Aleyn swallowed hard and nodded, unable to make himself answer her with words. She gently drew him closer until he was stretched full length on top of her. This time she helped to guide him in, and though she gasped and whimpered every so often, he managed, slowly and painstakingly, to slide his entire length inside her. It felt hot and close and not so bad. Aleyn took a few deep breaths there, steadying himself, before trying to draw back and push into her a second time. Lila gave a little shriek and buried her face in his shoulder, so he stopped, unsure, but her legs came up to wrap around his hips and pull him back inside. 

Their coupling was still clumsy, but at least it seemed to be going better than it had the last time. Aleyn was able to relax a little and even begin to enjoy some of the sensations, and Lila seemed to be enjoying it too - at least, she wasn't crying out in pain, but encouraging him instead. After a little while, though, Aleyn felt his cock going soft again. He hadn't come, but he was flagging nevertheless. The soft wetness of her body was pleasant, but still somehow not enough to give him what he needed in order to finish. Unsettling images filled his mind - freckled skin, rougher hands... He moaned unhappily and tried a few more thrusts, but it was no good. He slid out of her and rolled off to the side, facing away from her. He hadn't been able to do it right - Lila would be disappointed, and she would surely know there was something wrong with him...

"Aleyn?" she said tentatively, putting a hand on his shoulder. "It's all right, it was better this time."

Somehow her acceptance was worse than if she had been angry or upset with him. It meant she would want to keep trying again and again, and Aleyn knew he couldn't do that. "I'm sorry," he told her, his voice shaky as he tried to keep from crying. "It's not your fault. It's me."

"What do you mean?" Lila tugged gently on his shoulder, making him turn over to face her. "What's wrong? Didn't you think it went better?"

Aleyn shook his head. "It doesn't feel like it's supposed to, Lila. I don't know why, because it's nothing wrong with you. You're wonderful, you're beautiful... I should be able to do this for you, but it's not working right..."

"Maybe we just need more practice," she suggested, but that thought made him feel worse than ever.

"I can't," he told her miserably. "I can't give you what you want, and I can't keep... keep disappointing you..."

Lila's brow furrowed and she lay back on the pillows, arms crossed, looking thoughtful. "Is there something I could do differently that might help?"

"I don't think so," Aleyn said, shaking his head. "I don't think it's anything to do with you." _Except that you're not the right person for me_ , he thought but couldn't say aloud. He didn't want to hurt her any more than he already was.

"All right," she said eventually. 

Aleyn sat up, surprised. "All right?"

"I don't want you to be unhappy, and obviously this is making you unhappy. So we'll stop."

His heart sank, and he felt a cold, creeping dread. "We'll stop seeing each other?" 

Lila smacked him on the arm, not too hard. "Don't be silly, Aleyn. We won't be courting anymore, but we'll still see each other. I still like you, you still like me, right?"

He nodded. "I like you. You're my friend, I don't want that to change. But... will _you_ be happy with that? I want you to be happy too, Lila, more than anything."

"I'll be all right," she managed after a moment's pause. "It's not how I imagined things turning out, but maybe it's for the best."

"I'm really sorry," he tried to tell her again, but she cut him off with a quick kiss, then got up from the bed and started getting herself dressed again.

"Come on," she told him, "we should get going. I bet it's been almost an hour."

"Really? It didn't seem that long to me."

"Well, trust me, it felt like an hour," she said with a quick smile, and Aleyn mustered a wavering smile back. "I'm glad I got to try it with you, anyway," she said more seriously. 

"Me too," he was able to say sincerely, even though it meant he had learned things about himself, things he wasn't at all ready to analyze or dwell on yet. But if he was going to have his certainties challenged and the foundations of his world shaken, at least it had been in the arms of a friend.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Tumblr at [naryrising](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/naryrising) if you want to ask questions, make requests, or chat!


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